Thursday, January 27, 2011

Where Do I Even Start?

I suppose I should start by explaining why I am starting this blog.  First and foremost, it is my attempt at a therapeutic outlet for me as I go through the trying to conceive (ttc) journey.  I feel that for so long I have hid my struggles as I have felt ashamed & embarrassed.  This is my start, my beginning, towards acceptance - accepting that I may never have the chance to be a mother.  Recently, I have closed many friendships as it is just too difficult for me to maintain them as many of my friends are celebrating motherhood.  I am really happy for them and I just see myself bringing them down.  At this point, what do I really have to bring to the friendship?  My mind and body are occupied with injections, ultrasounds, blood work, acupuncture, etc.  I hope this doesn't come off as selfish, but I am just too hurts too much.  By sharing this blog, I hope they can understand what I am going through and learn to forgive me one day.

So who is my support system if I have kept this a secret for so long?  First and foremost my DH (dear husband).  We look at each other from time to time and say, "I never would have imagined it would come down to this for us" (referencing the injections, ultrasounds, blood work, etc)  We are truly a perfect couple, in my eyes.  Highschool sweethearts and more in love now than ever.  The ony positive I have found by going through all of this is that I know I have someone who loves me through it all.  I couldn't have asked God for a more supportive husband.  I am blessed. 

My sister has also provided me with the utmost support.  I know she would do anything for me and I think at times she just feels so helpless because there is really not anything anyone can do to make this happen for me.  It is out of our control.  She works really hard to try and cheer me up - which I'm sure can be exhausting as this is a never-ending roller coaster.  Thank you sis for always being there for me.  My parents are also trying to be as supportive. I don't think they know how to react at times - still in shock that their baby girl is having so much trouble.  Again, I think they feel helpless, but I know they are praying for me daily, which is comforting.  I also have a couple amazing friends who have been by my side.  I often feel so guilty thinking to myself, what do they really get out of this friendship?  I hope they continue to love me and that some day I can bring more to the table.  Their consistent encouragement gives me hope.

For the first three years of marriage, my hubby and I weren't in a rush to have a child...however, we weren't preventing either.  We felt if it happened, it was God's will and we would embrace it.  By the end of the third year, we did start to feel some concern as this was a long time to have a healthy sex life and not conceive.  At this point, I had all the initial tests done including a procedure to check if my tubes were blocked.  Everything looked good including regular menstrual cycles!  My OB at the time prescribed Clomid for me.  I tried it for 3 months...nothing.  At that point, I took a few months off.  Then decided to try Clomid again, this time an increased dosage.  My OB prescribed another three months.  I could not believe the last month on Clomid I got pregnant.  This was thee happiest time of my life.  I went for 8 weeks dreaming of my baby.  Little did I know, the little guy stopped growing at 5 weeks.  At 8 weeks, I went through a natural miscarriage.  Took me months to let go and finally give myself the okay to try again.  I then started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist.  She wanted to try one more round of clomid..this time with monitoring and an IUI (artificial insemination).  After no success, she moved me to injectables (Follistim), with trigger shot, and IUI.  For those of you not familiar with this, it is incredibly intense.  For me, I take the injections for about 10 days - along with every other or daily ultrasounds and blood work.  It is emotionally and physically draining.  Of course, I realize that it will all hopefully be worth it in the end.  1st round with follistim and iui was not successful.  I proceeded to an increased dosage of follistim this past month of January and just had my 3rd IUI today.  

If this round doesn't work, the plan is possibly 1-2 more rounds of injections w/iui and then proceeding to IVF. 

Diagnosis at this point is unexplained infertility.  However, based on my response from these last two cycles my doctor is concerned that I may have traces of ovarian dysfunction.  Scary and keeping a close eye on my levels to either confirm this or rule it out in future cycles.