Wednesday, April 27, 2011

A Whole Lot of Nothing

Hey everyone - Sorry I haven't been posting much.  I am currently on day 18 ( I think) of nothing exciting going on ttc wise.  

I called my doctor's office yesterday and left a message about a couple questions I have (insurance & protocol related) for IVF #2 and I still have NOT received a call back.  I have to admit that I am becoming frustrated.  I feel that I am always the one checking in and begging for return calls.  Even after my retrieval, I was constantly waiting for phone calls and always ended up calling to obtain the info (daily).  I love my doctor, but I strongly dislike the office staff.  I don't know what to do.  Is this a sign that I was supposed to or that I should switch? I over analyze everything and I just don't know....

Who knows?  Maybe this month will just be a "healing cycle" (literally and emotionally).

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Let Him Roll Away Your Stone

Happy Easter!  I found this post at  Pregnant with Hope extremely uplifting for today....

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

be in

I AM INfertile...

But I am so much more "IN" than that...

I’ve been tested. I’ve been probed. I’ve been injected. I’ve missed work for appointments. I’ve researched. I’ve asked questions. I’ve worried. I’ve made phone calls. I’ve prioritized...

I AM INcessant...

I’ve gone to baby showers. I’ve smiled at other‘s “big news“. I’ve purchased baby gifts. I’ve babysat. I’ve missed chances. I’ve lost sleep. I’ve lost hope. I’ve lost embryos. I’ve lost babies...

I AM INdestructible...

I might be a mother. I might not be a mother. I might come to terms. I might never quit. I will survive...

I AM INvincible...

I am INfertile.  I am INcessant.  I am INdestructible.  I am INvincible.  I am IN.

A special thanks to Megan for for sharing this!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Trying to find me

I really did used to enjoy my life.  I think back to even a year ago at this time - I was much, much happier!  I hadn't started to work with an RE yet and I hadn't lost a baby either.  I used to just have fun.  My mind wasn't taunted with the thoughts of "you might never be a mother".

Before, even the simple things in life were just so much more enjoyable.  I would go out to dinner with my family and actually have a pleasant time.  Now I go out to dinner and I sit there and think to myself, "What pill do I have to take?  What appointment do I have tomorrow?  I wonder how many follies I have. Why am I cramping? I wonder if this will work.  I need to get home for my injection.  I can't believe I'm still not a mom. Will we ever have a family?" and it goes on and on and on....  I know this is sad but those thoughts NEVER leave my conscience.  They flow in and out of my head all day, every day.

Infertility has sucked the life right out of me.  I need to find me again.  I NEED to start enjoying life again and actually embrace all the blessings I do have.  I realize they exist and I am truly grateful.    But how do I do it?  Especially when I don't even know who it is I am anymore?  It seems as though all the other things that I used to be have been washed away.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

bcp... day 7 of 21

Here I am - day 6 of birth control. Not much else to report.  I actually don't mind this part of the process.  All I have to do is take one simple pill a day.  No ultrasounds, no injections, no blood work, no acupuncture.  Yet, my mind is at ease because I am taking the steps necessary to move forward and pursue IVF #2.  I actually get to feel somewhat "normal" for 21 days.

I have some good news too...
Good News #1-I'm on spring break until April 26th!!!  Good News #2 - I have an incredible support system.  I could not get through this without my dear family & friends.  A huge thanks to all of you & a special thank you to the Murray's for the gorgeous flowers this week!  You definitely have brightened up my days!!!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Let's Try This...Again

So AF came and I am officially on Day 2 of birth control.  Only 19 more days to go!  We have officially started IVF #2. 

This last AF was the worst one of my life! I'm thinking it could possibly be because my lining was so thick from all the stimulation or it could of been the gut wrenching feeling of "this is real, it didn't work".  Either way - it has been awful.  My hubby also came down with a bad case of the flu.  So yesterday (day 1 of AF) I had the worst cramps ever.  I was also feeling a bit nauseous, so I thought I was starting to get the flu.  I was popping Advil and Tylenol like mad - BIG mistake, especially since I was not eating (thought it was the onset of flu).  I ended up getting really sick and was up all last night dry heaving and projectile vomiting. Finally fell asleep at like 3 a.m. and was up at 6 to head to school.  I woke up and debated - should I stay home or go to school?  I did feel a lot better and decided to head to school since I had two IEP's scheduled and parent teacher conferences. 

I always find myself sad after parent teacher conferences for a few reasons:
1 - The number of parents who don't sign up
2 - The number of parents who don't show up
3 - Seeing how the parents that do show up inappropriately interact with their child

Infertility is unfair - and so is being an 8 year old and dealing with drug abuse, physical abuse, alcoholism, and neglect. 

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Up & Down Weekend

- spent time with my sister
- hot stone massage
- Shellac manicure
- saw the movie Source Code which was awesome
- great dinner w/sis and hubby
- Sunday brunch with the brothers
- sunshine & 80 degree weather
- bike ride w/hubby
- retail therapy (this could also be on the down list because I spent way too much $)
- playing outside with Buckwheat
- sleeping in schnuggling with hubby
- the warm breeze coming through the windows right now

- had about three major meltdowns on Saturday
- questioned my purpose in life if I can't be a mother?
- scared my hubby by losing hope
- spent four hours planning - at least I am an "overpaid teacher" (so sick of hearing that)

At least there were more ups than downs. 

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Three Words

Curse You Infertility!!!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Our First IVF was an Epic Fail

So I did get the results of the second beta today - negative!  I really don't know where to start..what to say..I have so many "negative" emotions running through my  head.  These downs are just so incredibly hard and they tend to become so difficult, I question my ability to handle them.  It's time like these where I look at hubby and say "I just don't feel strong enough".

I talked to my doctor for quite awhile today and she seemed positive.  I questioned whether or not we should move forward with another IVF round, based on my diagnosis and how I responded this past cycle.  Considering I do have high fsh, she was quite pleased with my response.  We definitely had eggs to work with, which was a positive for this past cycle.  We are going to change up the protocol a bit for next cycle.  The new meds I will be adding to my collection will be Gonal F and Ganirelix.

In the next couple weeks, we will be working on ironing out some insurance issues.  April 1st my insurance switched from Aetna to United Health Care.  I still have the same infertility coverage, just a different provider.  However, from what I've heard UHC doesn't have the best reputation with my lab and they are apprehensive towards accepting it.  My doctor said if we can gain pre-approval from UHC - we will move forward.  If the lab would choose not to accept it,  I would unfortunately have to switch doctors.  I've checked with another RE in the area and her lab does accept UHC, so at least I know I have a reputable doctor to turn to if necessary.  (I met this doctor at a support group meeting and loved her).  In the meantime, once AF shows I will start my 21 day gig of birth control pills.  We should be able to get the insurance issues resolved by the end of birth control and before starting stimulation meds.

I feel as though once again, I have let my loved ones down.  It hurt so much to hear the disappointment in my family members voices as I told them it did not work.  The hardest part is not knowing if it will ever work.  I know I am stuck in a down right now, but feeling pretty close to hopeless.  What is the alternative to all of this?  There really is not one.  Either we keep trying or I give up on being a mother.  That is one thing that I'm not ever comfortable giving up on.  We will move forward & we will keep trying.  

Good luck to all my new IVF friends.  I pray for you daily & hope you never have to go through a failed cycle.  The pain is indescribable.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


So I had my beta this morning at 8:00 a.m.  I got to work at about 8:30 and checked my phone in between every lesson.  No call, no call, no call.  Finally at 4:00 p.m.  the nurse calls me.  The conversation went like this:

"Your hcg was negative.  However, your progesterone is considerably high indicating a possible early pregnancy.  The doctor said it may be a slow developing pregnancy and too early to detect the hcg.  Come back for another beta in two days."

WTF?!?!  Like I haven't been through enough torture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean I've never even heard of this.  Instantly, I thought well duh my progesterone is high, I'm on progesterone injections.  But apparently, my progesterone is higher than what it should be while on injections.  Still no AF, so what's a girl to do?  I really just was hoping for a clear cut answer.  Now the torture continues and I have to go another two days.  My gut is telling me this cycle was  a bust - I mean even if it were a slow developing pregnancy - wouldn't you think there would be at least a lil bit of detectable hcg???

Is it bad that I still have a glimmer of hope?

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Just a Down Kinda Day

Here we are -  a week past my transfer.

I woke up feeling extremely down this morning.  It could possibly be because I am feeling a bit crampy.  Well, we all know what that means - either the onset of pms cramps or early pregnancy cramping.  Why does my mind so easily allow me to believe it is pms cramping?  

I cried this morning and told my hubby that I don't want to be down.  I don't want to have to go there once again.  I want to be happy (regardless of what news I get in a few days).  I feel so much of my life & happiness is passing me by as I continuously mourn being without child.

I'm trying soooo hard to keep the faith and remain hopeful.  It was encouraging to read The Johnson's Journey today as she got her long awaited BFP!!!  (and even after cramping for days) :)

God, please give me strength.