Friday, April 8, 2011

Our First IVF was an Epic Fail

So I did get the results of the second beta today - negative!  I really don't know where to start..what to say..I have so many "negative" emotions running through my  head.  These downs are just so incredibly hard and they tend to become so difficult, I question my ability to handle them.  It's time like these where I look at hubby and say "I just don't feel strong enough".

I talked to my doctor for quite awhile today and she seemed positive.  I questioned whether or not we should move forward with another IVF round, based on my diagnosis and how I responded this past cycle.  Considering I do have high fsh, she was quite pleased with my response.  We definitely had eggs to work with, which was a positive for this past cycle.  We are going to change up the protocol a bit for next cycle.  The new meds I will be adding to my collection will be Gonal F and Ganirelix.

In the next couple weeks, we will be working on ironing out some insurance issues.  April 1st my insurance switched from Aetna to United Health Care.  I still have the same infertility coverage, just a different provider.  However, from what I've heard UHC doesn't have the best reputation with my lab and they are apprehensive towards accepting it.  My doctor said if we can gain pre-approval from UHC - we will move forward.  If the lab would choose not to accept it,  I would unfortunately have to switch doctors.  I've checked with another RE in the area and her lab does accept UHC, so at least I know I have a reputable doctor to turn to if necessary.  (I met this doctor at a support group meeting and loved her).  In the meantime, once AF shows I will start my 21 day gig of birth control pills.  We should be able to get the insurance issues resolved by the end of birth control and before starting stimulation meds.

I feel as though once again, I have let my loved ones down.  It hurt so much to hear the disappointment in my family members voices as I told them it did not work.  The hardest part is not knowing if it will ever work.  I know I am stuck in a down right now, but feeling pretty close to hopeless.  What is the alternative to all of this?  There really is not one.  Either we keep trying or I give up on being a mother.  That is one thing that I'm not ever comfortable giving up on.  We will move forward & we will keep trying.  

Good luck to all my new IVF friends.  I pray for you daily & hope you never have to go through a failed cycle.  The pain is indescribable.


Blooming Woman said...

I am so incredibly sorry. My heart is just aching for you. Lean on your husband and your family, although they're disappointed too, they will really help you through this ((hugs))

Dainy Lynn said...

There are no words to really express to you how truly sorry I am you are going through this. There will be a light at the end of this seemingly never ending tunnel. I believe that. You are too strong and giving up is not an option if you want to be a mother. Keep pushing ahead and tucking these experiences away in your back pocket and keep going! One of my dear friends was born without a uterus and after 3 IVF treatments, a lot of heartache and pain and dealing with a surrogate, she now has 3 yr old amazing triplet boys! You will be another success story!

Andrea said...

I'm soooooo sorry this is happening to you. I will just never understand why any of us have to go through this. We try so hard to remain positive, yet sometimes the outcomes are just devastating. It's just not fair. Be good to yourself and take it easy...and please don't put the burden on yourself that you've let everyone down. They're the ones to lean on now. ((Hugs))

M said...

I am so sorry. ((hugs))

Pam said...

I know there is nothing that can be said to make the situation any easier. I'm just so sorry you have to continue to go through this heartache. I know in my heart you will have success, but the waiting and agonizing over when is so unbearable. Lots of hugs to you!