Monday, April 18, 2011

Trying to find me

I really did used to enjoy my life.  I think back to even a year ago at this time - I was much, much happier!  I hadn't started to work with an RE yet and I hadn't lost a baby either.  I used to just have fun.  My mind wasn't taunted with the thoughts of "you might never be a mother".

Before, even the simple things in life were just so much more enjoyable.  I would go out to dinner with my family and actually have a pleasant time.  Now I go out to dinner and I sit there and think to myself, "What pill do I have to take?  What appointment do I have tomorrow?  I wonder how many follies I have. Why am I cramping? I wonder if this will work.  I need to get home for my injection.  I can't believe I'm still not a mom. Will we ever have a family?" and it goes on and on and on....  I know this is sad but those thoughts NEVER leave my conscience.  They flow in and out of my head all day, every day.

Infertility has sucked the life right out of me.  I need to find me again.  I NEED to start enjoying life again and actually embrace all the blessings I do have.  I realize they exist and I am truly grateful.    But how do I do it?  Especially when I don't even know who it is I am anymore?  It seems as though all the other things that I used to be have been washed away.

6 comments:

amiracle4us said...

I am new to your blog, but this post is so familiar. I think IF sucks the life out of most of us. They tell us to 'relax' and not think about it...my response then is, how does one do that when you have to take certain pills on certain days at certain times, while peeing on sticks, getting wands and strangers staring at your lady parts more than your husband at times, and shelling out $$$ daily to have what others achieve so easily?
I think what would be as useful as finding a cure for IF, is to find a way to help infertiles undergoing treatments not to think about it!
Meanwhile, vent on your blog and fill the rest of your days doing something you enjoy...xo

Blooming Woman said...

it's always a little disheartening (to say the least) when you suddenly realize that you don't know who you are anymore without your infertility. it's like insult to injury when the most painful aspect of our life becomes a part of our identity...

good luck, i know you'll find yourself again

Krista said...

LC- I know exactly how you feel, in fact I wrote a post similar to this one a month or so ago. I used to be happy-go-lucky too, now I just want to stay home and take my meds, stress over fertility and nest. I hope we can BOTH get our groove back soon (which would mean BFP's for both of us!) so that we can get on with our lives and get back to how we should be (happy and free!) Hang in there!!

Erin said...

I wish I was closer to you so I could at least put a smile on your face for a little bit and share an old laugh...help you find the old you for awhile. I mean, I am sure Timothy and I could make you a burrito and make you smile :)
Love you so much! I think of you every day!

Cherbear said...

I was just thinking about this in the car yesterday. I think I am going to blog about my thought experience today.

Thank for following my blog. I am going to click the little follow button on yours as soon as I enter this comment!

Drevas said...

I was just thinking about this myself. I'm a completely different person than I was a few years ago. Glad to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way although I hope things start changing for both of us soon!