Thursday, July 28, 2011

Where We're At

After the return from our trip, hubby & I decided to go visit my Grandmother. She was just recently admitted to a nursing home and I hadn't been there to visit yet. We had about a 2 hour drive there and had a GREAT talk on the way. As you go through this journey, its natural for your feelings to change about the treatments. When I first began working with an RE, for some reason I NEVER thought we would have to do IVF to conceive. Now going through IVF, my mind allows me to think that this might not be God's plan for us. Hubby tried convincing me that I am feeling this way because of how much I've been rejected over the years. He said he thought it was natural to feel this way considering how many BFN's I have experienced. I asked him how many rejections can I possibly take before considering & accepting that this might not work????
He went on to say he is willing to keep pursuing treatments. However, he did say how much he's noticed they are affecting me and would be okay moving onto the next step if I felt as though I couldn't keep doing this. He doesn't want me to have to live this way. He wants me to be happy. I really appreciated that he is putting my well being and happiness at the forefront of our decisions that need to be made. That means a lot to me. I/we decided that I'm not quite ready to move on to further steps quite yet. I'm going to use my response during IVF #2 to better gauge what should come next. My heart is still 100% committed towards having a biological child..don't get me wrong. I just keep asking myself - how long can I continue to live this way? I wonder..maybe God wants us to adopt and is just saving the most beautiful child for us..until we're ready. I really don't know. But, I do know the desire I have in my heart to be a mother & and that is what keeps me going day after day.

Huge congrats to my friend Abbey! She works with my doctor and found out yesterday that IVF #2 was indeed successful! I don't know all the details yet of the retrieval/transfer - but am absolutely ecstatic for her. This was such a long time coming!

Oh and thee meds arrived today - confirmation that this IS really happening. When my meds arrived for my last IVF, I had no clue what was in store and I was extremely nervous. When they arrived this time around, I became pretty upset. I just looked at that box and knew all the heart ache that was associated with that box last time around. At least this time, the anxious feeling is not there since I've had experience with these meds before, but I'm not sure if it's going to be any easier emotionally.

Check out the cute lil Hershey Kisses that came in the cooler! I thought it was a sweet touch. Thanks Mandell's Pharmacy!

Meds for IVF#2

Also, a huge shout out to thank my employer (school district)! $5,768 of my medication was covered by insurance leaving only $682 due out of pocket. It may be unfortunate that we're struggling...but we are blessed to have such amazing benefits!!! Hubby went back to work today as he teaches at a year round school. Wow..was I lonely on my first day home without him. But, my appointments will be starting next week which will keep me plenty busy. Mock transfer and consent signing on Monday!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Feeling more like a "Debbie" today

Home safe and sound. Hubby and I had a really nice trip out west with his junior team. At one point, we had 13 teens staying with us in our condo- what a challenge! We were faced with some pretty serious issues while out there and I'd like to say we came out of the experience even stronger. The road trip ended up being 28 hours ..each way! Our lovely Armada's AC decided to stop working which made for an excruciating ride home with this heat wave. Being on the road for that long left A LOT of time for me to think, think, and think some more.

I want to write on here that I am positive and feeling good going into IVF #2, but that would be a lie. The truth is I am feeling pretty defeated, hopeless, lost. A friend of mine reminded me that God has good things in store for hubby and I. Why is that so hard for me to believe, to trust? I definitely don't want to give up, but at the same time I feel as though I am just going through the motions. Just when I am starting to move forward from the first failed IVF, it's time to start all over again. I'm not ready for the countless injections, blood draws, ultrasounds, appointments. I'm not ready to be a hormonal bitch again. I'm not ready to walk around limping because my butt is so sore from the PIO shots. It would be a different story if I were going into this with better odds, but really - 15 percent?!?!?! If the weatherman said there was a 15% chance of rain today, you would plan on it NOT raining. The chances of it raining would be very slim...unlikely. And here I go...walking into another IVF cycle with those kind of chances.

So sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but I can't come on here and fake that I am alright..I'm not. I need to find a way to pull myself out of this. I will come out on the other side...just don't know when or how I'm going to get there.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Here We Go Again

So today marks the beginning of IVF cycle #2. I am starting my 21 birth control pills today. Hubby and I had a great talk yesterday and decided to move forward this month instead of waiting another month to begin. My nurse gave me a tentative calendar to work with and it looks like the retrieval will be around August 17th (hubby's birthday) and transfer on the 22nd. (God willing)I will have plenty of time to rest before heading back to school the first week of September. We felt this was a better decision to start now since I am on summer vacation and wouldn't have to leave work for the countless ultrasounds, blood drawings, and appointments.

To be honest, I didn't know if I wanted to jump into another cycle right now. I used the excuse I wanted to "enjoy the rest of the summer". But the reality is...I AM SO SCARED. If these next two cycles don't work - I am done. I will have exhausted the treatments that would allow me to carry my own biological child. It's like I want to hide from this reality and push off the treatments. But, I can't. I need to move forward in this journey and face my fears. If God (for some reason) doesn't want these treatments to work - I have to accept that and realize he has other plans for me, for us, for our family. But WOW is that hard to face. :(

Fears set aside, hubby and I are really enjoying ourselves in Idaho. The kids are a lot of fun and are getting excited for their competition. Some of them race on Thursday and the others on Friday. Here is a pic of us w/our junior team at Mount Rushmore.

And hubby and I :)