Thursday, July 21, 2011

Feeling more like a "Debbie" today

Home safe and sound. Hubby and I had a really nice trip out west with his junior team. At one point, we had 13 teens staying with us in our condo- what a challenge! We were faced with some pretty serious issues while out there and I'd like to say we came out of the experience even stronger. The road trip ended up being 28 hours ..each way! Our lovely Armada's AC decided to stop working which made for an excruciating ride home with this heat wave. Being on the road for that long left A LOT of time for me to think, think, and think some more.

I want to write on here that I am positive and feeling good going into IVF #2, but that would be a lie. The truth is I am feeling pretty defeated, hopeless, lost. A friend of mine reminded me that God has good things in store for hubby and I. Why is that so hard for me to believe, to trust? I definitely don't want to give up, but at the same time I feel as though I am just going through the motions. Just when I am starting to move forward from the first failed IVF, it's time to start all over again. I'm not ready for the countless injections, blood draws, ultrasounds, appointments. I'm not ready to be a hormonal bitch again. I'm not ready to walk around limping because my butt is so sore from the PIO shots. It would be a different story if I were going into this with better odds, but really - 15 percent?!?!?! If the weatherman said there was a 15% chance of rain today, you would plan on it NOT raining. The chances of it raining would be very slim...unlikely. And here I go...walking into another IVF cycle with those kind of chances.


So sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but I can't come on here and fake that I am alright..I'm not. I need to find a way to pull myself out of this. I will come out on the other side...just don't know when or how I'm going to get there.

7 comments:

clewis said...

Going into my IVF number 2 I was feeling a bit deflated, a bit like, why the hell am I bothering? How many failures can I have? But also I think I became alot more relaxed, I knew what to expect and that is good. I see that you have done 3 IUI's and now onto your second IVF. This is exactly the same as me. You just have to do it and I really think there is so much more success with the second round. Try and keep positive and believe it will work. IVF one is a trial, IVF is the winner!

clewis said...

Meant to read at the end IVF two is the winner!

amiracle4us said...

I would agree that with IVF2 it was a bit more relaxed due to knowing what to expect. Every shot and procedure wasn't unknown, but neither was the failure at the end. That was hard and very difficult not to focus on. I did try to think more positively and I did. I figured I was happier for that month thinking it would work than wouldn't. Someone told me that whether I thought positive or thought negative, it would hurt to get a negative but at least during the cycle I'd be happy and calmer. Sorry for the rambling.
People keep telling me God has a good plan for me and wouldn't put this desire in my heart to be a mom if he wouldn't help me get there. I keep asking when this happiness is coming bc I don't see it or feel it now.
I hope you find calmness and peace to get your through and have good news waiting for you. hang in there! xo

Andrea said...

I know how hard it is to stay positive, I really do!! We're going to have bad days, and that's ok! Just take it one day at a time and know that you're doing everything in your power to make this happen. Hugs!

Krista said...

Each cycle is so different from the next. I felt very defeated after our first transfer failed. I just kept thinking...what is going to make the next one ANY different?! If it didn't work once, why will it work a second time? Well, you know what happened there. I am here to give you hope, and for you to remember that the first IVF DOES NOT dictate how the second one will go! I believe you have a MUCH higher chance than 15%! You can do this!!!! We're all here to support you and help you through this! So glad you had a nice vacation!

M said...

It's hard to be positive with those odds. I wish things looked better- but that doesn't mean it won't work. It's rained when the weatherman says there's a 0% chance too!! I'm wishing you the best.

hopeful said...

It's such a daily battle. I have not gone as far as you have but I also feel like I am coming to the end of treatment too b/c we can't afford IVF. It is freaking hard to come to terms with that. Praying you will be able to take a deep breath and rest in the fact that no matter what odds the doctor's give you, if this is when God wants you to conceive, your chances are 100%.