Thursday, July 28, 2011

Where We're At

After the return from our trip, hubby & I decided to go visit my Grandmother. She was just recently admitted to a nursing home and I hadn't been there to visit yet. We had about a 2 hour drive there and had a GREAT talk on the way. As you go through this journey, its natural for your feelings to change about the treatments. When I first began working with an RE, for some reason I NEVER thought we would have to do IVF to conceive. Now going through IVF, my mind allows me to think that this might not be God's plan for us. Hubby tried convincing me that I am feeling this way because of how much I've been rejected over the years. He said he thought it was natural to feel this way considering how many BFN's I have experienced. I asked him how many rejections can I possibly take before considering & accepting that this might not work????
He went on to say he is willing to keep pursuing treatments. However, he did say how much he's noticed they are affecting me and would be okay moving onto the next step if I felt as though I couldn't keep doing this. He doesn't want me to have to live this way. He wants me to be happy. I really appreciated that he is putting my well being and happiness at the forefront of our decisions that need to be made. That means a lot to me. I/we decided that I'm not quite ready to move on to further steps quite yet. I'm going to use my response during IVF #2 to better gauge what should come next. My heart is still 100% committed towards having a biological child..don't get me wrong. I just keep asking myself - how long can I continue to live this way? I wonder..maybe God wants us to adopt and is just saving the most beautiful child for us..until we're ready. I really don't know. But, I do know the desire I have in my heart to be a mother & and that is what keeps me going day after day.

Huge congrats to my friend Abbey! She works with my doctor and found out yesterday that IVF #2 was indeed successful! I don't know all the details yet of the retrieval/transfer - but am absolutely ecstatic for her. This was such a long time coming!

Oh and thee meds arrived today - confirmation that this IS really happening. When my meds arrived for my last IVF, I had no clue what was in store and I was extremely nervous. When they arrived this time around, I became pretty upset. I just looked at that box and knew all the heart ache that was associated with that box last time around. At least this time, the anxious feeling is not there since I've had experience with these meds before, but I'm not sure if it's going to be any easier emotionally.

Check out the cute lil Hershey Kisses that came in the cooler! I thought it was a sweet touch. Thanks Mandell's Pharmacy!

Meds for IVF#2

Also, a huge shout out to thank my employer (school district)! $5,768 of my medication was covered by insurance leaving only $682 due out of pocket. It may be unfortunate that we're struggling...but we are blessed to have such amazing benefits!!! Hubby went back to work today as he teaches at a year round school. Wow..was I lonely on my first day home without him. But, my appointments will be starting next week which will keep me plenty busy. Mock transfer and consent signing on Monday!


A m a n d a said...

Good luck girl. I'm sorry you're going through this again, but you seem to be very prepared and strong willed. Sometimes I wish I could just know when I will conceive. The wait isn't the hard part, it's the 'not knowing when it will end' that's the killer. Hang in there!

amiracle4us said...

I know those thoughts all too well....
I hope we are wrong. I hope God is just having us wait for our perfect baby, that IS coming soon!!

Andrea said...

I think long drives with the hubs are THE best for conversations like these. My husband and I always laugh about how our best talks with each other are when we're driving somewhere. The not knowing is definitely the hardest part of all of this. If we could just know that all of our heartaches and tears would in fact lead us to our babies, we could get through all of this. It's just so hard and every time it fails, it just knocks us down one more time. I think it sounds like a great plan you have with trying this again (awesome benefits too!!). I'll continue to keep you in my thoughts, as I always do, and hope that in less than a year you're holding your baby in your arms!

Just Us & A Miracle Baby too! said...

Sending lots of positive vibes your way for a successful cycle!!