Friday, September 30, 2011

Heavy Heart

I would like to start off this post by saying thank you to every single one of you. I cannot express how grateful I am for your unconditional love and support. EVERY comment, text, e-mail, card, phone call, and/or visit brought me so much comfort.  I am blessed with amazing family members and friends.

After getting the news on the 22nd, hubby and I had quite a difficult weekend. I was feeling more emotional than ever and finding ways to blame myself. Not blaming myself necessarily for the actual miscarriage, but blaming myself for keeping hubby and I from having a family. It's a heavy weight to carry knowing that the reason we are having so many difficulties getting pregnant is because of my poor egg quality. (at least that is the only thing the RE's seem to find wrong) No matter how much hubby consoles me and reminds me that it is not my fault - I still find myself feeling responsible. I know I'm in a low place right now - but I actually felt guilty about hubby marrying me. If he would have married someone else, he most likely would be experiencing the joys of being a father by now.  I'm sorry if that sounds irrational...but I'm carrying around this uncontrollable sense of guilt since this has happened.

I changed my mind back and forth numerous times in regards to miscarrying naturally or having a d&c. I'm glad I waited it out a bit...six days after stopping the PIO I miscarried naturally. I was up all night Tuesday night with some intense cramping and by early Wednesday a.m. the worst part was over. I ended up going to work a couple hours afterwards as I needed something to occupy my mind. I am just shocked as to how quickly it happened, considering my last miscarriage took a couple weeks to complete.

I can't believe I am not only a woman who has trouble getting pregnant...but now I'm officially a woman who struggles staying pregnant too.

It makes thinking of the future very hard to face.

My heart is heavy....
I'm "still dreaming" of brighter days ahead.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Not This Time

Ultrasound did not go well this morning. Talk about an empty sac. There was a fetal pole, but that's it. RE said according to measurements it looked like it had stopped growing 3-4 days ago. Next step- decide if I wanna miscarry naturally or have a d&c.

My worst nightmare has become the reality in which I live.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

In God's Hands

Sorry I haven't posted since my last beta. I am here and so far everything is going well! I guess I haven't posted because this all just doesn't feel real yet. My previous miscarriage has definitely tainted this experience for me. I can't help but wondering every day if my dear little miracle is still growing. I am trying my absolute BEST to remain positive and enjoy each day. It is really difficult though remembering how this gift of life was once ripped out of my hands (and heart) before.

I've been sorrounding myself with positivity and asking God to grant me peace. I've done all I possibly could to bring this baby home...I've fought hard! And at this point, it remains in God's hands. God has a plan for us and it all lies in His will & His timing. I'm trying very hard to cast my fears onto Him and let go of this worry.

Symptoms wise I am just feeling very tired. I am "out" on the couch every night before 8 o'clock hits. I also have this queasy feeling that lingers in my stomach. It makes this gurgly noise, but it's not associated with hunger. I've had some lower back pain that tends to come and go.

I'll be 6 weeks on Monday and my 30th birthday is Tuesday! Praying with every ounce of my heart that the big 3-0 brings the gift of life.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

3rd Beta

514!!!!!! I can breathe again!

Now back to the 2ww....First ultrasound scheduled for September 22nd!!!! (two days after my 30th birthday)

I only have one birthday wish. :)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

2nd Beta

First of all, thank you SOOOOOO much for all the kind words of support and encouragement. I feel so loved and just incredibly grateful to have such an incredible support system. Thank you for your prayers and positive vibes!

Today went really well. Beta #2 was 224!!!!!!! It more than doubled from Tuesday's 82.6!

We have beta #3 early Saturday morning. I will be sure to update as soon as we hear the results. :)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Cherish Each Day

Hi everyone! I don't even know where to start. Hubby and I did indeed decide to do a HPT on Labor Day. We just decided we wanted to find out together and didn't want to anticipate the phone call any longer. So we decided I would wake up that morning and we would test. So of course I woke up at 4:30 a.m. needing to pee bad. Well, the plan was I was going to pee, take the dog out, and then hubby and I would go back into the bathroom to check the result together. I peed on the stick and stood to clean myself up. Damn splattering! Anyways, I glanced over about 30 seconds later to check to see if the test was "working" and it actually said "Pregnant". I went into the bedroom literally SHAKING and told hubby the news. We ran back into the bathroom just to look again and make sure! It was the best feeling in the world to go back to bed and just hold each other and feel HAPPY. Of course we both couldn't fall back to sleep - so it was off to an early breakfast. Right before we left, I peed again on another stick and sure enough that one was pg too. No fluke.

So today was the official first beta, which also came along with an official pregnant. When the nurse was drawing the blood, I asked her "What kind of number are we looking/hoping for at this point (10dp5dt)?" She replied with "Well, we would be happy with any number but anything over 50 at this point is considered good". I got the call about an hour later that my beta was 82.6. So, yes this definitely confirms I am pregnant, but I know the second beta is even more important than the first. I am over the moon happy to be pregnant and to have made it this far! Remember, this was the cycle that I was told I had a 15% chance to get pregnant...and the same cycle that was almost cancelled because my ovaries weren't responding. The fact that I am pregnant is SUCH a miracle. I can't even begin to express how grateful I feel.

But I know all too well what infertility does to a person. And here I sit worried sick about my second beta on Thursday. I NEED this number to not only rise, but to double (or come close to). It's a very hard position to be in, because I have been in this place before and it ended traumatically. I can't help recalling feeling this joy before, to only be devastated when it ended in a miscarrige.

At the same time I want to be HAPPY and celebrate how far we've come...embrace it...cherish it! A few of my friends have reminded me.. "Live for today" and today I am pregnant. :)

Sunday, September 4, 2011


Hi ladies -
Do any of you have any home remedy suggestions to break down these lumps I have from the PIO injections? My nurse suggested using a heating pad at various points throughout the day to try and break up the build up. It hasn't been helping yet. I now have one on each side and they really, really hurt.
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Quick Updates at 7dp5dt

- I went back to school on Tuesday and the students returned on Thursday. The first two days went just okay. I was shocked that some of my kids were willing to try testing the waters already on the very first day. Whatever happened to a honeymoon period? So it's nice to have a three day weekend to regroup and re-energize for next week.

- 2WW is going okay (I guess as good as could be). The anxiety hasn't been too bad yet as I've been so preoccupied at school.

- About 4 days past transfer, a yeast infection decided to pay my body a visit. The doctor said I could do a Monistat treatment (as safe during pregnancy) but I am still hesitant. She said if I can cope with just external cream and yogurt, to try that so I don't have anxiety about putting something up my hoo ha. I know the treatment gunk wouldn't get up in the uterus, but I think I would just prefer to wait it out. So far, the external cream and yogurt have been keeping it at bay. It definitely hasn't progressed.

- My ovaries have finally started to feel better. The only pain I'm experiencing is where we have been injecting the PIO shots. I've been trying everything to alleviate some of the soreness, but not having much luck. I can't seem to get rid of a lump that has clotted on the left side and still incredibly sore from the blood vessel we knicked on the right side. Once again, I limp around like an elderly person and people at work keep asking me what is wrong. Not to mention every time I sit, I seem to forget and then shriek as the injection sites rub up against the chair.

- 7days past 5 day transfer has me starting to think - should I take a home pregnancy test or wait til Tuesday for my beta? Hubby and I keep going back and forth.

- Still praying NON-STOP here! Holding onto hope for just a few more days...