Friday, September 30, 2011

Heavy Heart

I would like to start off this post by saying thank you to every single one of you. I cannot express how grateful I am for your unconditional love and support. EVERY comment, text, e-mail, card, phone call, and/or visit brought me so much comfort.  I am blessed with amazing family members and friends.

After getting the news on the 22nd, hubby and I had quite a difficult weekend. I was feeling more emotional than ever and finding ways to blame myself. Not blaming myself necessarily for the actual miscarriage, but blaming myself for keeping hubby and I from having a family. It's a heavy weight to carry knowing that the reason we are having so many difficulties getting pregnant is because of my poor egg quality. (at least that is the only thing the RE's seem to find wrong) No matter how much hubby consoles me and reminds me that it is not my fault - I still find myself feeling responsible. I know I'm in a low place right now - but I actually felt guilty about hubby marrying me. If he would have married someone else, he most likely would be experiencing the joys of being a father by now.  I'm sorry if that sounds irrational...but I'm carrying around this uncontrollable sense of guilt since this has happened.

I changed my mind back and forth numerous times in regards to miscarrying naturally or having a d&c. I'm glad I waited it out a bit...six days after stopping the PIO I miscarried naturally. I was up all night Tuesday night with some intense cramping and by early Wednesday a.m. the worst part was over. I ended up going to work a couple hours afterwards as I needed something to occupy my mind. I am just shocked as to how quickly it happened, considering my last miscarriage took a couple weeks to complete.

I can't believe I am not only a woman who has trouble getting pregnant...but now I'm officially a woman who struggles staying pregnant too.

It makes thinking of the future very hard to face.

My heart is heavy....
I'm "still dreaming" of brighter days ahead.

18 comments:

Andrea said...

I've been thinking about you so much lately and absolutely hate that you're having to go through this. I'm so sorry you're experiencing the feelings that you are. Your hubby LOVES you and I know that no matter what, he is happy he chose YOU and wouldn't want it any other way! Hang in there sweetie and lean on your loved ones to get through this. Keep on dreaming of those brighter days, because they ARE coming. Love you!

Just Us & A Miracle Baby too! said...

Having felt similar feelings, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry you are feeling these things. But try to remember your husband married you because he loves YOU, and wanted to spend his life with you.. that's all that mattered. I'll be praying for you and hope your heart heals quickly.

Tippy said...

Sending you love and hugs. I wish there was something that I could say to help lighten your heart, but there is not. You simply need to walk through each day and put one foot in front of the other and trust that you will one day feel better. There is hope. There is always hope. Sending you tons of that.

Cherbear said...

Nothing I can say is going to make it better so I would like to leave you some HUGE hugs. I'm sure your husband would rather have you, and he's lucky to you have you, as you are him. I pray that time will heal these wounds.

waiting and wishing said...

I'm sorry you're going though this, but I'm glad the process happened quickly. I know how difficult it us to sift through all of the emotions and feelings that go along with this. Thinking of you.

Dana Lynn said...

Reading your post has made me so sad and teary. I know its so hard but please don't blame yourself. These kinds of things are out of your control and I am SURE your husband wouldn't change a thing. All of the emotions you are feeling are normal, of course. Its just so sad to read that you are going through them. You are so amazing and strong and someway, somehow, there WILL be a rainbow at the end of this horrible storm you are going through.

Bridget said...

I'm so sorry LC. You are in my thoughts and I just want you to know that your husband is lucky to have such an amazing wife. xoxo

Lulu said...

I can't imagine what you're going through. Take care of yourself. You and your marriage are the most important things right now.

amiracle4us said...

I am so so sorry hun. I know those feelings of blame well; I get into the same 'down funk' too and C always says he wouldn't have it any other way, he just wants me. Which in turn makes me sad bc then I think about how I am 'enough' for him if that is our reality, but is he not for me if I keep having this push to have kids? Its a terrible circle.
I know how hard this is all is....I do really really hope that this all passes and in the next year we can sit back at these sad/terrible memories as we rub our fat pregnant bellies :) xoxoxo

Cherm said...

I've been thinking about you a lot and just know that we are all out there sending you big hugs and hopeful thoughts. The guilt that you are feeling is natural in the grieving process and you have every right to feel that. Just know that your hubby LOVES you and is there for you. Also know that you DID NOTHING to cause this. You ARE worthy and you WILL be a mother....xoxo

A m a n d a said...

I've thought these same thoughts about my husband, and how different things could have been for him. But then I remember how this will all be worth it when we DO finally get our baby, something that we created together. This will happen for you. This isn't the end. Sending lots of love and hugs xo

Nini said...

Your thoughts are not irrational at all. I've thought these same things, how hubby should have married someone younger and more fertile and on and on. Its going to happen for you. You may be down now but the point is to get up and dust yourself off. You should take a read of my monthly mantra for October and hopefully it will lift your spirits a bit. You are in my thoughts and prayers, this low will not last, you will be a mother.

Jess said...

There WILL be brighter days beyond today/this season in your life. IF is a roller coaster. There is a reason for every season. Sorry to hear of your struggles. Know I am praying for you--God will hold you as long as you need.

P.S. The word verification for my comment on your blog today is 'bless'. I thought that was sweet. :)

Sarra said...

I've been thinking about you so much and am so glad to see a post from you to know you are doing okay. My heart has just been breaking for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through the process of the miscarriage, but I'm glad it was mercifully quick. :(

Thinking of you and just know that you will be a mommy someday. I'm sorry your journey isn't easier and wish I could offer some other help, but know that I am here and I'm listening.

Jessica said...

You have been in my thoughts. I know nothing I can say can make this time easier but know I am sending lots of Love your way.

M said...

Just catching up. I'm so sorry LC. I understand the guilt also, because I also have poor eggs and my DH is fine. You just have to remember that he loves you and married you for you, not for your babies. I hate that you're suffering, and again, I'm so sorry. ((hugs))

Lauren Y. said...

Oh sweetie I am so sorry. I have tears streaming down my face reading this. I know there are no words to help ease the pain. Thinking of you and praying for you! Much love and BIG hugs!!!!!

Mrs BabyDream said...

Hi LC,

I am so sorry - I haven't been reading many blogs lately so I only came across your sad news now. You poor thing - my heart goes out to you and your hubby.
Brighter days are definitely ahead. Take care.