Monday, October 31, 2011

Thoughts....Long Term Effects?!?!

Hi ladies...question for you today that is on my mind.

Do any of you repeated IVF'ers worry about the long term effects the drugs may be causing?

I've been doing pretty well lately, just an occasional melt down here and there. But my most recent meltdown was just freaking out about doing IVF all over again for a 3rd time. I was just crying and telling hubby how I am scared of putting my body through it all again. I know this is/was the fear coming through, but I can't help but wonder what damage these large quantities of hormones could potentially be causing?!?!

Of course I immediately thought, a child would far outweigh the potential risk!!!! But then I have to be realistic and my chances of this working are actually very slim. Let's be real here. There is a chance that I may continue to move forward with fertility treatments and in the end, still not end up pregnant.

Oh and I'm sure coming across this blog post today has fueled my fears.

I guess these are conversations that I need to continue to have with the hubby. But I would really welcome and appreciate any of your thoughts as well. Sending all of you well wishes and lots of love!

Sunday, October 23, 2011


(of a person or animal) Able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions.

A dear and good friend of mine recently told me she viewed me as resilient. At the time, I said thank you as she was offering it as a compliment and the more I thought about it...I am resilient and so are those of you in the blogging community. Through the support of my family and friends, I am able to recover from difficult conditions and find the strength to move on. It's definitely not many of you know. But the way I look at it, as hard as it is emotionally...I don't really have a choice. I yearn to be a mother and the only way that will happen is if we keep trying. With that being said, the plan is to move forward with another IVF cycle early next year.

I ended up having my "wtf meeting" last Thursday at my follow up ultrasound. My doctor had a cancellation, so was able to meet with me to discuss our options. After reviewing the cycle, she is still giving us a 15% chance of IVF working. The quality of my eggs is what is impairing the likelihood of it working. She reminded me that I do still have some good eggs's just a matter of finding one of them. She will change my protocol a bit for next cycle - by starting me on the maximum dosage of Follistim/Menopur right from the start. Last cycle, my ovaries really took a LONG time to get started (treatment was almost cancelled), therefore, she wants to see if we have a better outcome by starting on a higher dosage right away.

A bit of good news was that we only used about $8,000 of our IVF insurance money. I have a $30,000 lifetime max of IVF coverage. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that we only used roughly 8 grand. That means we technically could do 2 more fresh IVF cycles and have them fully covered. I originally thought I would only have enough coverage left for one more (to be fully covered). I found out that ALL of my ultrasounds (and there were a lot of them since I stimmed for 13 days) and ALL of my bloodwork was covered by my regular insurance, not the IVF portion. At first I was really excited about this...and then I was rethinking it and was wondering if it would just be delaying the inevitable. I'd hate to make it through another 2 rounds of IVF and still be sitting here in this same damn position. It may be time to start accepting the fact that my eggs are just not cutting it....BUT I'm not there yet. We have definitely discussed other options and are obtaining information about each in case we were to decide to travel another path in the future. But for right now, we are both content with trying another cycle. If that doesn't work, we will then reassess where we're at...emotionally & physically.

Since I've had 2 miscarriages now, my RE would like me to have all the recurrent miscarriage workup done. She doesn't think we will find anything..but just wants to rule anything out before starting my next cycle. So I will be working on that the next couple of months and doing a lot of relaxing. Depending on when my period comes, I will be starting birth control for IVF#3 either in December or January. Right now it seems like a long way off, but I know it will fly by. When I'm not doing treatments, I'm amazed at how quickly the time passes. I actually lose sight of the date since I don't have to keep track of anything.

In regards to the ultrasound on Thursday, she did not see any more of the sac left. She did see a few remnants floating around. Therefore, she would like me to come in for weekly HCG blood tests, so we can track my levels down to 0. It was nice to confirm though that the majority of everything was gone. It did provide a bit of closure that it really is over.

That's where we're at.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

REDBOOK's No Shame Campaign

For those of you who haven't heard about it yet...REDBOOK has started a No Shame Campaign. REDBOOK's mission is to end the shame and secrecy of infertility.

I found the following article to be insightful:
"The Invisible Pain of Infertility"

I can also relate to SO many of these women in the following videos:
"The Truth About Trying"

Are you ready to come out of the closet? I'm not sure I'm quite there yet. Like the article says, I find myself feeling ashamed, even though I know I shouldn't be. It's a hard weight to carry knowing I can't do something that I "should" be able to. For some reason, I am embarrassed to be completely open about our struggles. I wonder why...I really do. Is it that I don't want the pity card? Is it that I feel others will perceive me as weak? Will others consider me a failure? Maybe I'm afraid others will act differently around me? Or is it I don't want to have the pressure of letting even more people down after a failed cycle? It could be a combination of these things. Why am I so worried about what others would think or how they would react?

I have been blessed with an IMMENSE amount of support from my parents, sister, and friends that I have met along this journey (through blogging and my RESOLVE support group). I'm grateful to have their ongoing support and encouragement!!! They really do give me the strength to keep going and face another day.

But, I just don't think I'm ready for the "rest of the world" to know yet (ie: coworkers, other family members, the facebook community). I do realize me staying in silence is simultaneously fueling the secrecy of infertility. I'm sure there are a few people in my life that are also struggling through this and by me keeping it a secret, I am preventing myself from connecting with them. As much as I want to be there for anyone in my life that might be going through this, I'm just not feeling ready to "come out" quite yet and I have to follow what my heart is feeling right now.

Have any of you felt this way or have any insight?

Thinking of you ALL day in and day out. I never stop hoping and praying that we will beat this someday and make it to the "other side", as I call it. :)

Monday, October 17, 2011

Appt Postponed

Well, my appointment today has been postponed. Something came up work related and I could not make it to my appt by 4:00, so I had to call and re-schedule. Thanks for all the good luck wishes - I just wanted to update you and let you know I didn't go today.

I now have the follow up ultrasound scheduled for Thursday and the wtf appointment scheduled for Monday. It's only fitting that they couldn't find room to schedule both appointments on the same day, oh well.

Good news is that after almost 2 years hubby signed an official teaching contract today! The contract is to teach high school math and will definitely give us some more stability. It's quite a jump in pay too, which is a nice lil perc! We're hoping that this good news may be the start of what's to come!

Sunday, October 16, 2011


Sorry for the lack of posting ...I just really don't know what to say. :( It's been hard to move on when I have had the damn bleeding taunting me for the past three weeks! As of yesterday, I think (knock on wood) the bleeding has finally stopped. I have a follow up ultrasound tomorrow to make sure everything has passed. We will also be having our "What the fuck?!?!" meeting with my doctor tomorrow. We will be able to hear her thoughts on the last cycle, ask questions, and develop a plan for what's next (whatever that may be?!?!?!?!).

I've been doing a lot of praying that God will grant me peace with what has happened. I'm trying my best to trust in Him, even though it can be really hard at times. Thank you to our family members and dear friends who have been continuing to pray for us. We appreciate every single thought or prayer you have sent our way.